June 19th

The fight is over......

I got a phone call yesterday around 4:20 right before I picked up my boys. Their dad had a seizure and they didn’t think he was going to make it through the night.

We went home so I could cancel our plans for the evening - working in a food booth to raise money for scouts.

We arrived at the care center about 5:20, walked into the room and after looking at him, I knew he wasn’t just sleeping.

He passed away at 5:00 last night.

Feeling Old/Strange/Guilty

It’s official, my ex-husband is now living in a care center, aka nursing home.

How many 43 year olds can say that????

He was admitted this morning while I was at work. I called him this afternoon and he sounded confused and asked if he had to stay. I discussed this with him last night and also this morning – we are doing it because he is not in control of his medications.

A couple weeks ago the nurse said the cancer was moving quickly, and in all honesty, I really hope it is….for everybody’s sake. His pain is increasing and I’m sure this wasn’t the way he wanted to spend the last days of his life.

Randomness

Experience from last night - who would have thought that keeping the book for baseball takes more effort than hockey?

Good news on the home front as it looks like there is a room at the care center that we looked at the other night. They need to process his paperwork and he’s in!

Thank God! I want my house and life back!!!

I am so excited for my oldest son. In two weeks, he is heading to Wisconsin for a week long hockey camp hosted by the Waterloo Blackhawks that is sponsored by the Herb Brooks Foundation.

They are accepting 25 kids from his league and will be staying in a hotel chaperoned by the Waterloo Blackhawks.

The Blackhawks are a tier 1 junior hockey team playing in the East Division of the USHL.

Will this be a good or bad thing? The kid just turned 12 years old!?!?!?!?!

We can’t pass up this opportunity and he will have the time of his life………..

Our little league is hosting a baseball tournament this weekend so it will be a busy one, the weather should be decent and the cooler will be stocked.

Have a great weekend!

Care Center and Stuff

We finally had a night free from baseball and scouts last night. I took my ex to look at a care facility that isn’t too far from our house. Amazingly, we were really impressed.

There aren’t any rooms available right now but I have a social worker trying to find a home for him.

I called the nurse that had been over to my house yesterday and she is really concerned with his safety.

He is confused with what day it is so he is taking more medicine than what he should.

He started calling me up saying that the home phone and his cell phone are “broken.” Over the weekend, we came home and he had his cell phone torn apart.

I mentioned this to the nurse and a red flag went up as they are now concerned he might not be able to call for help if he needed it.

I called his brother that is retired and told him the situation. Don’t you think he could offer to take his own brother to his house????? Hell, they don’t even come by to visit.

I know it’s not easy, but wtf, it’s his brother.

The nursing staff is getting rather nervous as they are the ones dispensing the medication. They certainly wouldn’t be liable if anything were to happen, would they?

All of his meds are now in a lock box and I am putting out his daily dosages every morning. But, he is still accessible to the morphine and that is their biggest concern.

The doctor is coming over today. I’m anxious to hear what he says………….

Crisis (Hopefully) Over

We live close to a YMCA and they have a summer program for the kids. I called them up and there are still some openings. I need to submit the paperwork plus "provide a narrative to explain why the experience of attending their program would benefit my children. Also explain any special situations that you feel we should know about."

OK, I could submit a book!

If anyone knows DodgeDieselGirl from JS, this is the YMCA she works at. Hopefully another JSer that I get to meet!

Take care,

Sarah

I F'd Up Big Time

7 days left of school and I completely forgot to call the summer program that my kids were in last summer.

I contacted them today and they are full.

Now WTF am I going to do??????

Just Don't Push Me!!!

(This was posted on KCL - you may start seeing a lot of duplicate entries as it's so easy to cut and paste.)

I have never been more relieved that it is finally Friday. Why is it, when we have a holiday and the work week is only 4 days, it seems to be the longest week?

I’m not posting much, here or on KCL. My life is crazy busy and I don’t foresee any break.

But, I need to vent about last night. I had a family meeting with my ex's 3 brothers. I laid it all on the table. Made copies of everything I have done - social security, ssi, short term disability, applications to care facilities, gave them his bank account information and pin numbers, life insurance policy, etc.

I updated them on the daily nurse visits, she said he is “moving quickly” and are increasing his meds weekly. He is now up to 160 mg of extended release morphine twice a day, along with liquid morphine as needed. No wonder he’s hallucinating!

He has nothing, his life insurance policy is only $10,000, 401k is $500 and not much in his bank accounts. But, his brothers must think differently. I wonder if they think they will get stuck with the funeral expenses?

They agreed that his oldest brother will be power of attorney. But they keep bringing up the f’n life insurance policy!!!!! Yes, I am the bene, but I wish they could see that I’m not doing this for the money – there is none.....

Comments

For some reason, I am not able to leave comments in other blogs today!?!?!

Oh well, I hope everyone has a nice long weekend!

Stay safe,

Sarah

Not Just Another Happy Meal

For CerebralGarage over at KCL

After his post yesterday, I thought he would appreciate this (I know he probably won’t see this but I cannot upload pics over there yet!):






“The Whopper sandwich is America’s Favorite burger. BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with the hint of flame-broiled meat.”





This is just creepy.........

The Sportsmen’s Club

I know a group of guys that started a “sportsmen’s club.”

They get together at the local bar and plan fishing and hunting trips. I think it’s just an excuse for them to get together, away from family, and do some male bonding.

I found out yesterday that they will be having a fundraiser for my boys. They know how expensive sports are, most of them were hockey players, and want to raise money so my kids can continue playing sports as they get older.

It brings tears to my eyes that they are doing this for me. There truly are caring people in this world……….

Blogging

I stumbled across keepconnectedlive.com last week and signed up. I saw it’s all journalspacers that are there.

My question is, how does one keep more than one blog?

Copy and paste from one blog to the other?

Make one more personal and the other totally different?

I had trouble navigating around kcl last week but will try again – hopefully today.

See you there!

Overnight

Wow! Things can sure change overnight.

Yesterday morning, my ex kept calling to the kids to wake them up at 6:30 in the morning. I came downstairs and told him they don’t need to get up until 7:30 and my oldest has his alarm set so he shouldn’t worry about it.

I sloughed it off as it was just an hour ahead of schedule.

The boys and I were upstairs last night around 8:30 (yes, we seem to be spending more time upstairs…..) and my ex called for my help. I came down and he was in the bathroom trying to get his right contact out. He was dousing his eye with contact solution and taking his fingers trying to find it. I told him he had been wearing his glasses all evening and advised him he shouldn’t be wearing his contacts anymore.

4:00 this morning, he was calling for my oldest as he thought the cat was stuck in the recliner. I came down and told him not to wake the boys, tipped the chair over – no cat. A few moments later, the cat came running out of a bedroom.

At 6:30 this morning, he’s trying to wake the kids. Again, I told him it’s only 6:30, but within the next 10 minutes, he tried to get the boys up two other times.

Every morning, his brother picks him up to go to his 8:45 radiation treatment. He normally shows up around 8:30. Before I leave for work this morning at 7:00, he’s outside waiting for his brother. We get him back into the house and I told him it’s too early. As soon as I get to work, my son calls and says Dad is outside again. I call his cell phone and get him back into the house.

I call the house at 8:15 to see how everything is going. Dad went back outside at 8:00 to wait for his brother.

I think a meeting with his family is in order for this weekend. I honestly think he needs more care than what I can give him.

Caregiver

Caregiving for a person with whom I have had a strained relationship is especially challenging.

Old hurts, sad memories, and past misunderstandings are making things more difficult.

I see him sit on the recliner and think of all the times he sat in the living room, drinking or passed out drunk, not being involved with life.

Cancer has not changed him. He is still yelling – this time just at the kids. I know he is scared and being home is an adjustment for everyone.

I am trying to put aside my differences and focus on the present, focus on making him comfortable.

I am placing a phone call to Hospice today. I know he will require more help in the immediate future. I do not feel guilty that I cannot be there for him 24/7. I want to continue with my own life – my new job, the kids’ activities, hell, even just taking my dog out for a walk.


So far, I have been patient. As every new day approaches, I am feeling more anxiety. I know his health is deteriorating and I wonder everyday what I should expect when I get home from work….it’s a scary feeling.

Bucket List

In the next few months, I will probably be writing about life and death. Watching someone die is an experience.

It makes you think about your own life, what you could do different, and what you’ve accomplished.

People need to start living their life more fully. They go about their daily lives not looking for the enjoyable – work all week and into the weekend.

We need to set time aside to do something different. Share it with family and friends, build memories.

It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. I treasure the times I have brought my kids to the art museums, bought our membership to the science museum so we can go anytime we want, tour the state capital, walk around a different lake enjoying the beauty around us.

Get the most from each hour, each day, and each age of your life. Then you can look forward with confidence, and back without regrets.

Friendships

Jerzeyjeep always leaves comments on my blog. I can’t speak for her, but we seem to share something that is different. If I personally knew her, I think we would really get along.

Anyway, I just went to see if she has updated – she hasn’t since March 9th. Her last post was about her friend P.

P reminds me so much of my friend Lori. We also have been friends for 34 years. I don’t know if I wrote about her on Journalspace, but we have an unusual friendship.

She moved to Minnesota from the Chicago area when we were in 5th grade. Her Dad worked for the Federal Highway Department so they moved around a lot. She has three older brothers – one played football with my brother.

Her family only lived here for one year, but that year really made an impact on my life.

We have been best friends ever since.

Our lives are in sync. I remember back in 5th grade, our Moms bought us a “training bra.” The funny thing was, we got them on the same day. Being as close as we were, our Moms really didn’t develop any type of friendship. I think it was just coincidence.

Ever since, everything that happens in our lives happens at the same time.

She doesn’t have any children, but treats mine like her own.

She was born in Minnesota, has lived in Michigan, North Dakota, California, and now resides in Colorado.

I still have letters that we wrote each other after 5th grade. We have always kept in touch and now try and see each other a couple times a year.

The memories and stories I have about the two of us are many. Man, the trouble we caused during our high school and college years when we got together - it probably was a good thing we didn't live closer to each other!

True friendships last a lifetime. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Opening Day

Baseball has officially started. The 2nd baseman for the Twins - Alexi Casilla - threw out the first pitch and stayed to autograph anything the kids had to sign.






It was a perfect afternoon, both kids won their games and we followed up the day by going to the Twins game against Kansas City that night. Too bad they lost in 11 innings.....

My Mother

My Mom takes an active part in watching her grandchildren play sports.

Saturday is opening day for my boys with baseball. It is a huge event as they have an opening ceremony and games are played all day.

I called her last night and told her the game times.

She isn’t able to make it as there is a Mother/Daughter brunch at her church that she will be at most of the morning and afternoon.

Funny thing – I’m her only daughter and I won’t be there!?!?!?

Forgiveness

I haven’t told anyone that my ex will be moving home this week.

I spoke to my mom this afternoon and she is telling me that I shouldn’t feel "obligated" to take care of him.

He has three brothers that live in the city, and I know they would help out any way they can. But I certainly don’t want him moving into their house at this time.

I would feel guilt for the rest of my life if he didn’t move back home.

My mom is a church going person. The church is a big part of her life. Why doesn’t she understand forgiveness?

I know she never liked the guy, but we were married for almost 12 years, I have known him for 20. How can someone be so cold?

For me, forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps a person go on with life.....

Decisions

My ex was discharged from the hospital yesterday.

He is in stage 4 of his cancer. There is no stage 5.

His prognosis is 3 to 6 months. I have been doing some soul searching and think I am going to ask him to move back home.

He now regrets not spending time with his children and being a part of their lives like he should have. He wants to spend his remaining time with his kids.

I don’t want him alone as I know he is going to get sicker and will need help.

In the coming months, he will need hospice. I can’t let him go through this alone.

I have a feeling my kids are going to grow up real fast in the coming months..................

Life

I need to post but really don't know what to say. I thought 2008 was a bad year, but 2009 has been even worse.

We were divorced on March 27th, and now I sit in the hospital room today hearing the oncologist saying that my ex has lung cancer. They need to do an MRI and bone scan to see where else it has spread.

Just by looking at his cat scan, they say he is in the advanced stages.

I went through cancer with my dad, and wonder how I am going to do this again with two little boys by my side.

Wealth Management/Personal Trust & Private Banking

This is the description of my NEW JOB!

I was offered this position yesterday but haven’t accepted as I had another great interview yesterday afternoon.

It is with the same company but a different position.

After a restless night I think I will accept the wealth management position.

Dome Sweet Dome

Tonight is the Twins’ home opener and I got tickets to the game! WooHoo!!!!!!!!

It is a memorable game tonight - this will be the Twins' final season at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.

The team has played in the dome for 27 years and has provided a lot of great memories for millions of Twins' fans.

We still have a year until the new open-air stadium will be the home for the Twins, but there has been a lot of nostalgia about the HHH Metrodome dome lately.

It hosted two remarkable World Series wins for the Twins, a major-league All-Star game, Super Bowl XXVI, and two NCAA Final Four men's basketball championships.

It may be among the most maligned stadiums of all time, but the Metrodome also has one of the most illustrious histories.

Of course, we can’t forget the nicknames: the Teflon Marshmallow, the Hump, Big Inflatable Toilet, the Dump, old Humpty dome.....etc.

And in the 27 years of its existence, it has only collapsed three times!

Hopefully this will be a memory that my boys will be talking about in the years to come.............

Meet Harriet

Harriet the Eagle was the model for the Minnesota "Support Our Troops" license plates.

Harriet is 27 years old and an occupant at the National Eagle Center in Wabasha, MN.


The kids and I drove down there yesterday, along with my mom, and visited the eagle center.

It was a small center but had four resident eagles that had been injured so no longer would be able to survive on their own.

It was located on the shores of the St. Croix River and the eagles were abundant.


I would like to go back when the weather is warmer as it was snowing and pretty chilly!

Itchy and Scratchy

There is the old wives tale about an itchy right palm means that you will receive money. An itchy left palm means you will have to give money.

Whenever my left palm itches, soon to follow will be some type of financial gain. (Someone did tell me it is opposite for women!)

I’m not one to believe in this type of stuff, but have come to question this theory, as it seems to be very accurate with me.

Last Thursday and Friday, my left palm had been itchy. I shook it off as dry skin even though I am constantly putting lotion on.

I get my mail on Saturday morning, and what do I receive? It’s a bonus check from work for 2008! I didn’t know if I would be getting one due to the financial market this past year.

It must be a onetime thing, though. I bought a lottery ticket for Saturday night and didn’t even match one number.

Have a great week!

It's Over

It’s done.

I am legally divorced and changed back to my maiden name.

My girlfriends have always said that at least I married into a cool name. It’s a pretty prominent name in the Twin City restaurant scene and I was always able to pull a few strings when it came to making reservations...........

The price we pay, huh?

Tears but no regrets.

Currently, it is hard to believe it is over. The outcome was good. I got the house and sole custody of the boys.

No visitation schedule as Dad really hasn’t seen nor taken the kids in over a year.


Child support is going to help but after all the paper work is complete and filed, it may take up to 4 months for me to start collecting – and I cannot go back to when he left for back child support.

Now the work begins. Imagine all the things I need to do for my name change. I’m sure it will take awhile, as there are things that will be overlooked.

I stepped back into my house and need to remember the things that happened here. I look at the bedroom door that I just fixed – remembering him kicking it in as me and the boys were upstairs "hiding" to get away from his temper. Some spots in the kitchen that I often wonder if it’s blood or spaghetti sauce on parts of the ceiling and walls that I didn’t see to clean up, being barricaded out of the house, sleeping in the car and then knocking on the door the next morning only for him to think I was out all night.......

I have to put those memories to rest. I need to focus on the life that lay ahead of me. Things won’t be any different, as we have been leading a life without a father and husband for over a year now.

I never thought I'd get divorced. I meant that business about taking my husband for the rest of my days. When I realized, though, that my days would be fewer if I stayed married to a man who couldn't quit drinking, I was able to break my promise.

I'm sad about it, but I'm not sorry about it.

Here’s to a new life.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Lately I haven’t been myself. The last few days I have been feeling really down. I know there are a lot of factors involved that are constantly on my mind.

I am still unemployed. I miss the structure and adult camaraderie of the workday....and of course, a paycheck!

The weather sucks. I do take my dog out everyday, but when it is raining and snowing it isn’t as enjoyable as taking a nice long walk on a warm sunny day.
I’ve also forgotten how messy Spring can be with a four legged pooch. Every time he goes outside, he is dragging mud into my house.

And tomorrow might be it – I’m going to court at 10:30 and our divorce probably will be finalized.
I can’t say I have any regrets, other than getting laid off, this past year has been really good.
At first, I was thinking tomorrow night I should go out and celebrate. But the more I think about it, I don’t feel it is too appropriate when it comes to my children. It has drastically changed their lives and divorce isn’t something to "celebrate."
I probably won’t want to spend the night at home, so dinner and a movie with my two little guys might be in order.

I’ll post more tomorrow after our court appearance.

Wish me luck!

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

In my previous entry, Anneal made this comment:


"Everything here (it seems) just SUCKS! The weather is particularly bugging Me. I won't even mention the sports teams we are stuck with. Yes..vacation withdrawal."



When I first read it I thought the guy was off the deep end. But when I wake up to 25 degrees BELOW ZERO this morning, I'm starting to get the same attitude.



Spring break is in 2 1/2 weeks. I know I'm unemployed and not receiving much for unemployment, but man, Mexico sure sounds good right now.................

Saturday Ramblings....

I'm feeling much better, thank you very much!

Me and my youngest are heading out to buy tickets to the Twin's season opener, the Walker Art Center, then to Sebastian Joe's for ice cream.

We will then follow up the evening with dinner (probably McDonald's) and a movie.

I hope everyone is enjoying the wonderful weekend!

TGIF

I'm stocked for tonight. A bottle of vodka, orange juice, alka seltzer cold, Sudafed, Nyquil, Kleenex........yeah, I have an awful headcold.

My oldest son leaves tonight for a "technology camp" and won't be home until Sunday. I wanted to plan something special with my youngest this weekend as it is just me and him. I need to get rid of this cold!

My oldest's scout troop plans an activity one weekend a month. I am grateful for this - not to get "rid" of him, but for the two kids to be apart from each other for a while.

They are fantastic kids but have a tendancy to fight, argue, bicker, and annoy each other as soon as they get home from school.

I have asked Dad to take the kids separately from time to time, but hell, he never wants to see either of them.

I told their father last night at least the kids are in scouts and that is where they are getting their adult male role model....and I am grateful to the guys that are in charge of scouts. Fantastic and patient!

Anyway, no set plans for this weekend. My youngest is the "artsy" one so may have to check out the art museums as we haven't been there since hockey started. Of course, while we are in the neighborhood, we always have to go to Sebastian Joe's Ice Cream...our favorite little ice cream shop!

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Text Message Relationship

I've been having a "relationship" where most of the communication has been by texting. We've known each other quite a long time but I have decided that we never saw much of each other because 1. He doesn't like my dog and 2. He isn't into children....or at least my boys.

I guess I should have known from the get go that it wouldn't work. The times he has been invited over for dinner, he never shows. Even though he is an avid hockey fan, he has never seen my boys play, nor joined us going to a high school game. I know it's not the same as the Minnesota Wild, but still..........

He was suppose to come over last night and watch the hockey game with me. It was a late game and he should have arrived around 9:00. The phone started ringing around 1:30 this morning. So much for him.

I sent him a text this morning to stop calling and texting me. It seemed an appropriate way to end things - it would seem strange to do it any other way.

Now What Am I Going To Do?

Hockey season is officially over. My oldest lost their playoff game Friday night and my youngest had his last tournament that ended yesterday.

Raising two hockey players hasn't been easy. The only day we had off in December was Christmas day. In January, it was January 14th......

Most people ask me, "aren't you happy when hockey will be over?" My answer is no. It's fun being around the kids and their families. It keeps us busy during the winter months. And honestly, what else would we do?

Thank goodness baseball signup is on March 5th.

.....And yes, I live vicariously through my children - it keeps me out of trouble ; )

I Am A Spoon

http://www.blogthings.com/whatutensilareyouquiz

You are a well rounded, balanced person.

You are friendly and welcoming. You get along with everyone. You are easy going and laid back.

You don't have any hang ups. Non judgmental and accepting, you are a comfort to people around you.

It may be boring, but I have to agree.........

Is This For Real?

Yeah, I know. I'm spending waaay to much time on the computer these days.

I came across this article at CNN.com - this can't be for real, is it?!?!?!?!?

http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm

Smile!

I saw this at the dog park a couple weeks ago. Whenever I need a laugh, I look at this.............

The Name Game

I've been noticing blogs where people are looking up their name on Urban Dictionary.

I've always known my name meant "princess." My middle name means "warrior." Just call me Xena....

Anyway, I looked up Sarah and this is what it said:

1. Sarah
The name "Sarah" is translated from the Hebrew language. It means "Princess"...and rightly so!

2. The correct spelling of the name sara.
What is your name? Sarah
Me too!
But how do you spell it?
The correct way

3. a sexy little creauture!

4. A hero, a friend, a sexy peice of ass

5. Perfect and Beautiful

6. A girl who is able to make you think that the last day you spent together was the best day of your life, only to prove you wrong the next time you see her.

I'll end it at that ; )

February 25, 1995

It has been fourteen years now since my father's death.

In some ways it seems like forever, and in other ways it seems like yesterday.

He died at the age of 62 after a seven month battle with cancer that was discovered just a year after he retired.

Everyday that passes by, I still think of him.

I wish he was here to see my children grow, and to help me get through life.

He was the most caring, patient, understanding person I have ever met. I'm proud to say he was my father. He helped a lot of people in the time he was here. He spent most of his life as a junior and senior high counselor and also a coach. I guess I never realized how much of an impact on other people's lives he had until he was diagnosed with cancer.

While in the hospital and when we had hospice at home, there was a continual stream of people visiting him. Former students, teachers and friends. Listening to them describe how he affected their lives meant so much.

I know he's looking over us and wishing us the best. Life is so hard without him........

The Cherry Is Ripe.....

for a new coat of paint!

The cherry portion of the Walker Art Center's "Spoonbridge and Cherry" was removed yesterday for repainting.

The bright-red orb should be back on its familiar perch in about five weeks.

It is such a signature image for the Twin Cities area I just had to share!

Fingers Crossed

Effective December 31st, my position was eliminated and I am still unemployed.

Please keep fingers, toes, and anything else crossed that will bring me luck. I jumped on a job that was only posted for 4 days. I was able to contact the hiring recruiter - during our conversation, she pulled my resume and it is now on the hiring managers desk.

The job is perfect. Perfect location, good company to work for, and great benefits.

I really want this job, need this job, and need to get back to work as I'm not happy being home all day long.........

A person can only clean so much : )

To All My JS Friends Out There......

I have decided to join Blogspot and am hoping to reconnect with my former JS friends.

I'll post more soon, just wanted to set up my account...........

Hope to join everyone soon!